Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
