quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
