I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
