Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
