Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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