You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
