You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
