I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
