I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
