Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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