Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
