We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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