I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
