Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize