My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
