i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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