wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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