Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
