i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
