I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
