just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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