My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
