the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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