he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
