You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
