i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
His hands were made for my vagina.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize