This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
