Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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