Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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