does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize