Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
