I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
