she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
