What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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