He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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