I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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