I feel great
I just peed on a car
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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