my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
