OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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