My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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