Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize