Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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