fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just want nice things and good sex
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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