I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
