tell your sister to shave her snatch
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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