after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
