420 ftw
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
