I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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