The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
