You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
