i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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