mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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