Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
