so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
