It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
