You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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