Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
