She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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