Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
