Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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