My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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